I recently watched the movie Dream Scenario with Nicolas Cage. For those of you who haven’t seen it, It’s about a man who finds himself in the unique situation where masses of people around the world start to see him in their dreams at night.
He has to navigate the world after becoming an instant celebrity, with all the ups and downs that come with that.
At first it seems like a great opportunity as he attempts to leverage his situation to get a book deal in order to publish the book he’s always wanted to write.
Simultaneously he is dealing with frustrations around an encounter with an acquaintance whom he believes has co-opted his research and ideas in her work which she publishes in her book about ant intelligence.
As the movie progresses we see the main character start to spiral out of control as both the success and accolades of his colleague coincide with the mass dream events turning violent, leading to his ultimate exile from society, or ‘being cancelled’ as we would refer to it today.
The mans situation struck a chord with me. While it was clear he had intentions to write a book for many years and knew exactly what he wanted this book to be about, when it came to the actual writing part he had nothing to show for it.
He was more obsessed with the idea of being a published author than the actual process of writing the book.
Similarly it seemed that when he was experiencing his moment of fame, he was very taken with the concept of being considered ‘special’ or ‘important’ but when it came to the actual reality of what fame entailed, he did not want to accept his situation and would resist in various ways that became gradually more self destructive.
The more he tried to control the narrative, the more out of control his life became.
To me, this story serves as a cautionary tale for the price you pay when you get so attached to the idea of something that you fail to see and accept the reality that’s in front of you. The cognitive dissonance between your fantasy and the truth can be extremely disorienting.
While I think it is quite fun and harmless to daydream, I am often found guilty of enjoying the prospect of attaining a goal more than the actual process of seeing it through.
In this stage it can remain perfect and ideal, nothing can go wrong. It is safe to stay in the realm of the imaginary because you never have to experience potential failure or disappointment.
You get to spare yourself judgment or criticism if you never present your work to the world. It will always remain in potential land, full of promise that is never realized.
I know what it feels like to get stuck in the stage where you want the thing you’re creating to be perfect and maybe you have such a grand vision for it that you find yourself procrastinating getting it done because of your anxiety that it will not measure up to the impossible standards you set for yourself.
Circumstantial things will be to blame of course - you’ve been soooo busy lately but you tell yourself that one day you will definitely get around to finishing it.
The longer time passes, the harder it is to get the motivation to see it through because you’ve created a habit around avoidance. The more you neglect that project, the more you minimize its importance and the easier it is to push it to the deep recesses of your mind.
Most of the time we prioritize whatever it is that pays the bills. This is sensible and allows us to live and get our most urgent biological needs met. It is often the dream that what we love to do will also become our day job, however it is not always a tenable reality.
Even when one gets into the field that they are passionate about, it’s common they might have to do certain projects within that field that are not so exciting in order to get paid. The passion projects are sidelined because they do not bring in the dough.
The ‘one day i’ll publish my novel’ or ‘have my own art show’ or ‘make my short film’ gets pushed back years and years while we finish the projects for others that become the focus of what we do.
In this way we are subtly telling ourselves that our creative projects are less important than than those of others. Wherever you invest your time - that is what your life will be about.
Sure it is hard to consider investing time into your novel when you don’t yet have a publisher. Or it might feel crazy to spend time painting when it may not pay the rent right now.
But investing in your own creative pursuits has much higher intangible rewards that will allow you to shine a light on the parts of yourself that are dying to be seen and expressed.
Whenever you devote time to your creations you are telling yourself ‘my work deserves to be seen’. It is life affirming.
I don’t really make money off this newsletter just yet (shout out to my few paying subscribers tho <3).
Honestly sometimes I wonder why I spend the amount of time that I do laboring over it but I know that it is time I’m investing in honing my writing skills because I, like Nicolas Cage’s character also hope to become a published author one day.
Whatever it is that you love to do for yourself, I dare you to devote some time to it today. Get into the habit of it and eventually one day you might even just finish that project you’ve been meaning to get around to.
Honestly, this article kind of scared me because I find it to be ominously true. I fear reaching the end of the road and having none of my own "work" to show for it. I also strive to write things that connect with people but so much of our labor in the capitalist grind is devoted to other people's interests. Sometimes it takes a wake up call like this to realize what is happening to me and so many other creatives.
I so love your articles Hazel and am so grateful you take the time to write them. This one really struck a chord though. Not in relation to myself (I have all the artistic ability of an amoeba), but in relation to my wife who actually is an artist and has spent years talking about how to express her ideas, but never given herself the time to bring them to fruition.
I will show her your article to see if it inspires her.
Thank you again for these lovely thoughtful messages that you send. I really do appreciate them.