Yesterday I was going on my daily walk and I saw a house across the street with a beautiful, inviting garden. I was drawn to it. So were the butterflies. At first I just saw one; making its way to each flower, fluttering its beautiful golden wings elegantly. It looked serene. Then I saw another gliding around nearby. It flew right by me, effortlessly making gentle swoops, doing exactly what it was put on this Earth to do. Then I saw a third, a different kind, doing its own little flutter dance along the fence that divided the house from the neighbours yard.
I was suddenly so overcome with emotion that tears started streaming down my face. I realised how much I longed for this feeling in my own life. To be more in flow - to feel fully aligned on my path and at peace with who I am. I wanted to feel more connected to myself and the world around me. Because, if I’m being honest, I often spend a lot of time feeling quite disconnected. I get too in my head, caught up in the throng of anxiety until I lose sight of the bigger picture.
I think about my decision, ten years ago, to move to the U.S. and the profound effect that decision had on my life. When people ask me, why did you move halfway across the world to a place where you didn’t know a single soul, I honestly can tell you that at the root of it was simply a voice I couldn’t refuse - my inner voice, my guide. I knew there was something waiting for me in California, I just didn’t know exactly what kind of adventure lay in store.
At the time I gave up my life in Australia - my friends and family, an intense romance, a safe and relatively easy lifestyle - all for the promise of something I could not even make out. It was like a blurry picture that over time would become clearer and more defined as the details filled themselves in.
My first week in San Francisco I cried non stop, had a panic attack in my hostel, and felt utterly alone and overwhelmed. It seemed impossible to get an apartment in the city. I struggled with the long commute to my university and making friends with my uninterested classmates. I agonised over my decision. Was it worth it? Giving up my life of comfort only to struggle more than I ever had before. Had I made a mistake?
It seems absurd to question it now, because in hindsight I can safely say that it clearly was the right decision for me but in the moment I was full of doubt and confusion. That year ended up being the most transformative and life affirming time of my life, filled with some of the most joyous experiences and memories I will always treasure. Life rewards those who take risks.
As a perfectionist, I have always been deeply afraid of making mistakes. It gets me stuck in this dilemma where I consider taking an action, then I wonder if its a good idea, then I over analyse all the possible ways it could go and eventually I am so paralysed by anxiety I don’t take any action at all. The funny thing is that I never actually have regrets when I make a mistake because I often find that it teaches me something about myself. It is the decisions I didn’t make that lead to regrets. The possibility of what if, that haunts me.
I think back to my first year in California because it has been a decade now, and I feel like I am in a similar time of transformation once again. Witnessing the butterflies really feels like a reminder of the cycles of life, growth, and renewal.
In ancient Greece, the word for butterfly, “psyche,” literally translated means “soul.” Psyche is also the name of the ancient Greek goddess who is often depicted with butterfly wings and who fell in love with Eros, the god of desire. The two are separated through a series of unfortunate events and in order to re-unite with her lover, Psyche has to take a journey to the underworld, experiencing a metaphorical rebirth in order to fulfil her destiny.
I love how myths and symbols can help us make sense of the world, and our own journey, even when things feel difficult or murky. Perhaps it is the storyteller in me that is always looking for signs, evidence that I am on the right path. But enough of all the woo-woo stuff!
I’ll leave you with something cute, it’s not butterfly related but it certainly made me smile nonetheless and I think it will make you smile too.
Also if you live in LA or San Diego don’t forget to buy tickets to my shows this month! You can get them here: LA Tickets // San Diego Tickets
Can’t wait to see ya!
A beautiful piece of writing Hazel!